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Rest In Peace Brittany Romero
January 28, 2004
Dec 28 ~ I just got back this afternoon from my cousins house for having Christmas down there, which wasnt really anything major since some people never seen to change and Grandma and my cousins' mom are still just as insane. I finally bought the movie Edward Scissorhands which is incredible. I've just been thinking alot so dont mind my weird little rants. My cousin Adria's baby, Jade, seems like the only one who doesnt have that frozen in time effect like everyone else down there. She's 18 monthes old. I played MoxyBlue's song "Promise Me" for her and she gets up from the floor and starts whirling around in the middle of the room with her arms out wide and laughing and everything. I just wonder where that went for all the rest of us, that ability to dream. On an impulse I ask her where it went, "Where did everyones dreams go?" She takes my hand and we run outside where is drizzling. She points to the rain, which is reflecting her Grandpa's Red Chrismas lights so the raindrops are glowing crimson. Its weird because when Jade does things like that people look at her and go "Watch this, she's so cute." but to think about later and what goes on its like "Oh my God...wow..." I saw written in Megan's LJ "My life is bloody beautiful."
Oct. 25 ~ It was a great set of plays last night. Jon, Jaclyn and everyone else were hilarious in 'Inspector Hound' and 'Betrayal' was awesome. It felt weird, walking into the theatre again, knowing it as well as I do from the two years I was there, but knowing that Monday, no matter how much I want it to be another day of Adv Drama classes there with Stroeh, its not going to happen. I'm not there anymore, probly never will be again. It hurt, seeing the faces I used to know, people I used to trust. I stood in line next to Jared, and out of the habit Novato has pounded into my brain I didn't say a word. I dont think he even realised it was me. We used to be pretty good friends too. God damn it, why the fuck have I been so depressive recently? why does it have to be like this? I miss everyone so much.
October 23 ~ Its up! Its (somewhat) done! go to https://cartoonelf.tripod.com/novatogsa to see. Take that stupid, socially diseased, bigots of NHS! So HA! lol I'm going insane so I'm gonna stop now....
I am ugly, but so are you. We'll break all mirrors and we'll see the truth.
Oct 17 ~ To hell with it all! I hate Novato. do you know what its like to always feel just a slight bit of fear? Not enough to be paralyzing or anything...but enough to notice it and always know its there. Do you know how fucked up I've been since leaving TL? I do have a few friends here but nothing like anyone at Terra Linda. Or at Okizu. Anywhere is better than this. Most of the people at Novato pretend to be my friend simply because they know i have nowhere else to go. There's a guy in one class with me thats a fucking Neo-Nazi, and is against so many things, he might as well just list of my friends as "People He Hates" because almost all of them either have the charecteristics he "doesnt agree with." It seems that everyones favorite way to insult someone here is either "queer," "homo," or "fag." Novato is almost purely an asshole school. And i cant go back to TL, its either NHS or Madrone, so fuck it all.
I am ugly, but so are you. We'll break all mirrors and then we'll see the truth.
Think about that..."Break all mirrors and we'll see the truth" Every single day when I walk into school I literally tense up, stay that way until maybe breaktime, depending on who I'm with then it'll ease slightly but it only returns as soon as the bell rings for class, lunch is the same way, as well as art, which is really nothing special.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Nazi-boy (who asked to go unnamed if I mention anything involving Neo-Nazis) was making fun of me and my "friends" because he claims he's rarely seen me smile and almost never seen them smile. I answered: "Have you ever thought about the idea that some of us have nothing left to smile about?" Can any of you understand that? Or am I just losing my mind right now? I kinda answered without thinking, but just after the words were out I realised how true thats become. i have almost nothing left to smile about. All the memories that should be good memories only make it worse, because I miss it, and I miss all of you. September 24 ~ Fuck it. Fuck it all. for those of you who've been in contact with me you already heard this but for everyone else...Sept second I had someone cut me with a knife, calling me "Homo," was sent to the office, who called in the cops, who filed a police report for battery. Its no more than a scar now but yea, still hate NHS, still cant go to class and actually feel safe anywhere but the art room, still miss everyone at TL even tho I probably woulda gotten the same crap there if it hadnt been for the fact I'm friends with the three guys you'd least want to mess with in school. Anyways...on a happier note, I'm doing an internship with Vector, (yes, I know, Ben. I will be puniched for it) but it is kinda weird. Me in charge...thats not a good idea usually. lol. yea. CALL ME!!!!!!!!! 472 - 5712 I have absolutly nothing to do weekends or after school most days. Josh, I still owe you the pics. Karen, I still owe you and Jessi a night out. peace.
Aug 20, 2003 ~ AAAAAAARRRGG!!!!! School starts in 5 days! Oh well, fresh start for me. Sorry to everyone I'm leaving behind at TL and from the looks of it NHS is gonna suck but oh well. I miss you ever
Theres a song thats inside of my soul
its the one that i've tried to write over and over again
i'm the infinite cold
but you sing to me over and over again
so i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray to be only yours
i pray to be only yours
i know now you're my only hope
If everyone can just shut up with they're stupid worries, and stop holding me back just because they happen to have different ideas than I do then just maybe I can make it through the year in one peice. Doubt it'll last but at least try to see how long those certain people can go for without trying to pull me down with them. Or is that too hard for all of you stupid little spaz-monkeys that I happen to be talking about?
Aug 12 ~ "I think I love you. I dont know why, I just do. I just want to know if you love me to."
Got back from camp yesterday which was fucking awesome, BTW,For the peeps that dont know it already I go every August to a camp for cancer patients and survivors for a week. So yea, Too great to describe but I can try for a bit of it....Got to see a friend of mine that I havent spoken to in 2 years now, spent the week with two of my closest friends, which got us so much closer than we already were. Most of it I'm not gonna go into till later but I will say this now...that one certain person there, you know who you are, I looked back in my old journals, and the letters you'd written for me and remembered what it was like then...and how much I used to love you. I'm sorry for breaking up with you then, for turning you down now, for ever hurting you like I have...for everything. I'm sorry. And for Karen, Jessi and Daniel: you three have done so much for me. Thank you.
Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you were to go.
So make the best of this task
and dont ask why.
Its not a question,
but a lesson learned in time.
Its something unpredictable,
but in the end its right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hand them on the shelf
with good health and good times.
Tatoos of Memories and dead skin on trial.
For what its worth,
it was worth all the while.
Its something unpredictable,
but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
I finally broke down and cried for the first time in years, simply because I couldnt stand watching my three closest friends there get that upset. And this song played out of the stereo as I did.
July 30 ~ "Intolerance is ugly...I'm sorry about what happened."
You heard about me getting burned from two days ago and this time was shoved from behind with a somewhat loud/somewhat hissed "Queer!" Better than a burn that wont go away and a shout of "Fag!" though I did end up having to limp out to see Manny during first period because it fucked up my knee somehow. That settles it. I refuse to let them keep doing this to me. If I seem to be following anyone thats at summ school pretty closely that would be why so dont take it personally. I'm not staulking you, its just not the greatest of ideas for me to be walking around on my own right now. Wyatt came to my house yesterday with flowers for it but I felt really bad because I wasnt home. Oh well. Thanks Wyatt. That totally made my whole day yesterday. Why cant more people be as accepting as him and all my friends have been? (Look out, rant incoming...) I'm sick of having to always watch my back, of getting pushed in the halls at TL, of getting beat up, getting hate notes, being burned, or cut, or bruised, or hurt in any other way for simply being different. This isnt the way I want to live, and my parents dont help anything either. My mom heard about a very glossed over, sugared and sofened version of what happened and it might as well have been a neon sign on the top of her head saying "Well, you look like a fag, act like a fag, think like a fag and speak like a fag and by doing it you're just begging to be treated like the god damn fag that you fuckin' are." All I am in her eyes whenever anything about my sexuality or whatever is mentioned is a disgrace to the perfection of her family that both she and my dad have refused to realise is not there in the first place. Hopefully by tommorow my knee and the burns will be healed but I doubt it.
She should have stayed away from friends
She should have had more time to spend
She should have died when she was born
She should have worn a crown of thorns
She should have been a son
She should have been a son
She should have been a son
She should have been a son
She should have made her mother proud
She should have stood out in a crowd
She should have fallen on her stance
She should have had another chance
She should have been a son
She should have been a son
She should have been a son
She should have been a son
Screw it. I'm gonna go play guitar. Fuckin' depressed as hell and pain doesnt help anything.
July 28 ~ If any of you knows who would do something like this or has any ideas please tell me. I dont want it to happen again...with that said I might as well explain what went on...Walking out of summer school someone threw hot water on me and called me "Fag." The water burned across my neck, shoulder and chest and I didnt see who it was either. It was in the middle of a big group of people and I was looking the other way so unless I can find out who it was and either do something to stop it from happening again or avoiding them then I'm screwed if they wanna try anything else. If it was just calling me a fag it wouldnt do much but being burned across your shoulder, neck and chest is a bit hard to ignore. Please, if you know who might do something like burn me or anything else, please tell me. I dont want to have anything else happen.
P.S. Once again: Happy Bday Amelia!
P.P.S. I will always be here for whatever you need, Jon.
July 22 ~ Recount of the day:
Hornet gets into the house, Dad chases it around with a fly swatter, doesnt mamage to catch it and the damn thing decides to fly into the drain to the garbage desposal. Dad thinks it'd be easy to just turn on the disposal to deal with the hornet and get it over with but the thing stps working right at that moment and the only way to fix it is to stick your hand in the drain with the hornet. Since he's allergic to bees and hornets stings that wasnt about to happen. At that moment my brother calls saying the car engine blew up on their way to Tahoe and they're only three streets away. My mom snatches the phone, yells at him and his friend to do something about the car which was pouring out black smoke and gets on the phone with my dad, hysterical. All this time up in Tahoe a thunderstorm has started on them. She hangs up because she's afraid to get electrocuted from lightning hitting the phone and is stranded for awhile because she's too afraid to call during the storm and she wasnt about to let the boys walk through the thunderstorm to the house to get anyone. (my uncle and the rest of the family is there now) Back home my dad walks into the room saying listen for the phone in case mom calls back and when I turn to look at him he's wearing yellow rubber gloves and saying he's gonna fix the drain to the garbage disposal. I ask if the gloves are supposed to protect him from getting stung and going into anaflactic shock from it and he goes "I hope so. They better. If not you can drive me to Kaiser." which is kind of ironic because the last time I was allowed to drive anything I was 3 and it was my grandpa's truck. I pointed that out to him and he replies "Ok, you dont have to drive then. Do you know the number for 911?" I then spent the next half hour trying to convince him to just leave the damn thing to die in the garbage disposal but he's out to get revenge on it because he couldnt catch the hornet earlier. I go "Ok, wait a sec." turn on the water, turn on the garbage disposal and kick it. the thing starts working and my dad has spent since then glaring at me when he thinks i cant see it because I deprived him of revenge. Then my mom calls...I can here her from here and I'm across the hall and in a separate room. She and my dad have been on the phone since, trying to figure out what to do. Between that and construstion being done on the house its gonna be an interesting next few hours.
July 21 ~ I got hacked (again) so along with some other problems with the comp its screwed up my usual SN, so I may be on either that or DarkIrishNymph for awhile
7-19-03 ~ Not much new to tell, construction being done on the house so as I type my dads hovering around me trying to patch holes in the walls where the guys screwed up, I get to paint again (just finished a mural of a paintballer for my brothers bday gift) and gonna redo my room (we're destroying the house so far anyways, why not get all the death and destrustion done at once?). BTW, this is gonna sound really strange but anyone know where to get an Irish flag? Its a joke between me and a friend to give him for his Bday thats coming up.
July 14 ~ Ok, update time again. I've spent the last three days or so entertaining for my psycho irish cousin type person thingie and that has been a riot in itself. Weird, yes. But fun. We went to Borders and she got like 10 books and bought me a book of the playwright Checkov (the Russian guy that wrote "The Seagull," "The Cherry Orchard" and "Uncle Vanya"). She's taken over my room, which is fine because its easier to work on the mural I'm doing as a suprise for my bro when she's not staying in his room, though its been kinda odd. Evidently his friend decided it'd be fun to arrive unnanounced at around 6:30 in the morning asking him to hook them up with me. O-o Oh well. It is kinda funny, watching the poor freshman turn white when I open the window and they realise that its me, not him. I went the other day to the city with Ben, Adam, Bill and the two Katherine's to see Pirates of the Caribbean. Someone came up with the idea of being dressed as pirates and because we're all crazy we did it and it was great. It woulda been better if there had been more people like we'd originally planned (15-25 instead of 6)but people are stupid so they backed out. Not to mention that only the guys in the group were in costume. The Katherines are lame so they didnt do it but came along anyways. I got some cool pictures though. They will be eventually posted on another page but yeah. Fun fun. Spent the day joking about the Bill's Irish Guild for the Renisance fair and various pirates/sailors sea chanty's and Scottish drinking songs. Good times.
Katherine: "But he's so sexy!" (meaning Johnny Depp)
Me: Good, I'll get you a Jack Sparrow poster to put in your room and he can watch you all night. Are you happy now?
Katherine: I dont want him to watch me. I...
Me: Dont you DARE finish that!
Katherine: *looks like she's trying not to laugh*
I'll have piccies up soon people. Dont worry. It will all be ok soon....lol.
July 6, 2003 ~ Wow, I havent seen almost any of my friends since school got out and I fuckin miss you guys. I just got back from a family vacation down in Placit Creek, spent almost the whole time taking care of my cousin's baby who is now 11 monthes old and cuter than anything. Didn't get to go to the fair (again), which I haven't gone since 7th grade but oh well. Somebody call me, I need to go do stuff. 472-5712.
ok, back by a major demand from the friends I never see...(save me)....I guess I'll have to start writing again.
Sophmore year reveiw:
*seeing Death of a Salesman ~ one of the most powerful plays I have ever seen, so much so that I went a second time and would have done a third and fourth is i wasnt busy
*the damned beggining drama show is the most stressful performance ever, garunteed and somehow was still so much fun. DANNY PASCOE NEEDS TO DIE!!!!
*being backstage during Henry V with Max and David and trying to fend off Max from doing random stuff like sitting on me.
*working on Fiddler on the Roof was awesome, thanks people that made it that way!
*mornings outside of school under the tree with Manny, Josh and the ever changing variety of others that decided to bless us with their presence
*teasing Jordan to no end over IM <insert evil cackle here>
*the first adv. drama final I've ever done ~ the book, the lines, the high emotions, the issues the first day between me and Aaron and making up the minute later to have him become one of the ppl I connected most with in the group, the day together at China Camp Beach, all the poetry, and the photos that are still up all over my room, and the masks, and the powerful, surreal performance. I'll never forget it
*the note left by Josh in my yearbook (dont ask)
*sitting up in the tree after school with either Tiya or Josh
*actually knowing who I really am and being sure of it
*being a suicide junkie and getting over it
*Ben ~ what else needs to be said?
*helping to Charlie pick out his pen-name and designing an emblem for him because he's gonna be a famous philosipher/poet someday
*getting my bass and amp ~ a black Dean Playmate that flipping HUGE and a Berhinger amp
*getting my guitar ~a white Fender Stratacoustic thats acoustic/electric, and has fuckin' awesome pickups
*getting rejected by the Marin School of the Arts because I was sick and couldnt have sung right to save my life
*getting accepted for photography and visual arts and deciding to go for photography
*having Ben, Josh and Manny become so much closer to me that, in a way, they've kinda become my older brothers (you havent seen anything yet till you've seen how protective they've become
*being one of the maybe 5 people do do the walkout for peace at TL
*getting one final hate-note in my locker on the last day of school, snapping, punching the locker so hard my hand is still bruised and slightly swollen, and the deciding I dont care anymore, they've done they're worst, and all thats left is for me to do my best.
*talking with David and Joe online
*all my friends
*becoming a totally new person than I was 4 years ago, or 3 or two or even last year
*finding out "love doesnt last, and neither does forever"
*being openly bi and trans and not caring who knows it, and for the first time, not having to think about who I'd have to avoid once nobody was watching
*argueing with Jordan over a certain un-named girl (YOU HAVE NO CHANCE J!...and neither do I...lol)
*Finding Nemo with Rebecca, Tyler and Ryan (no comment....I'm still confused on what happened there...Ryan?)
*Valentines Day that never really happened for me but having Ben there to make me laugh even though I was near dead between not eating, or sleeping and working almost nonstop on drama for the past three days
*Going to Miller Creek's last day of school and spending the day with my guitarist while she went psycho as always
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