Break the Silence

This page is where we will hopefully be able to come together and, tell your story. You dont have to say specific names of others if you dont want to, you dont even have to tell your name. Remain anonymous if you like, or if its easier. But this page has been set up to show that things are happening to GLBTQ people, hate is not dead. As long as someone is willing to pass on the message of our experiances we will fight it bigotry. BREAK THE SILENCE!!!


if you want anything of yours posted up here email me: dark_stage_spirit@hotmail.com

Stories:

Kai

Kai

I have known I was bisexual since early freshman, questioning about it since seventh grade. Sophmore year I started seriously questioning about gender identity, choosing one of the worst possible times to realise I am transsexual, about two monthes after my friend Gwen Araujo was brutally murdered for being transsexual. I guess I've kinda always known it, even as a little kid I'd wish endlessly on the stars that I was a boy even though I was born female, just didnt have the knowledge that would've explained everything.  At first, once I came out as bi in freshman year, it wasnt too bad. Once the crap started it got really ugly at TL. People would bump into me in the halls, even when there was tons of walking room and simply because I'm so little and they're so big it didnt take much to hurt me. I got three hate notes in the year, one across a drawing I'd been working on at the time, saying that I should go fuck myself, that I was a "god damn fag that needs to die." I reported it to the police and they couldnt find anything.
 
Before it had been graffitied my english teacher, Ms. McMullen, saw it and requested that once I was done with the original I make her a copy. I was working on her version during some free time in her class and left the room for something. The drawing I left on the floor by my desk. By the time I got back It had "bitch lover" written in pen across the bottom edge of it. since I wasnt a big fan of the police at that point I didnt go to them then. The only thing I could come up with was to get the scissors and trim off the graffiti and give it to her. Later I went to my friends and described both incidents to them, asking if they knew anything. Nobody had any ideas, but they did make it clear that if I ever found out who was doing this they would hurt him or her for it seriously. they even went so far as to put out the message quietly to the students of the school, anyone who messed with me from then on would have my friends to deal with.
 
For awhile I didnt get any more than being pushed around in the halls or shoved from behind. I never knew who it was either, so I couldnt go to anybody about it for help. Then I got the third hate note, this time in my locker, so either I had someone who knew me pretty well, or I had a staulker. This note said I was a "fucking lesbo" and "nobody likes bitches like you, so do us all a favor and just go kill yourself already" that one went to the police, and once again they found out nothing. I also heard people call me names as I walked by if I was ever alone(which was most of the time). This was only a single year. sophmore year, after I realised I was trans and came out about it I got the same treatment as before from the mass of them, the same shoving in the halls, even worse than freshman year, and the things people said were more nasty and cruel, and they came more often. One of the things to happen was that I walked into algebra I saw on my desk a new graffiti and I ignored it, not even stopping long enough to read what it said. Halfway through class my attention started to wander and I looked down, finally seeing that it said:

 
KAI IS A FAG AND A TRANSSEXUAL
'IT' SHOULD BE KILLED

 
I didnt speak up but instead simply covered it with my test, unable to even think. At the end of the period i walked out without even turning my test in, leaving it to cover the message. My teacher found it on her own, and left it till I had the class the next day when she confronted me about it before the bell rang. Ms. Nishinaga accused me of writing it, and when I finally snapped back at her "why the hell would I write death threats about myself?!?!" all she could say was "well, Are you transsexual?" and when I didnt answer, not wanting to out myself in front of the whole class who were all listening by that point, she handed me a bottle of cleaner and a rag, commanding me to "scrub extra good, then." I once again I kept my mouth shut and didnt tell anyone other than a few of my friends at TL.
 
I'd been struggling with depression since 7th grade until some time sophmore year because, except for one guy, Ben Muller, a majority of my friends were extremely homophobic. I have to be honest, I have attempted suicide a total of 13 times in the past two and a half years between 7th grade and sophmore year, cut over 360 times, and the burns I lost count of. Its gotten to the point that my hands will almost never burn and the skin on my arms has become tough and thick as leather. I've been working to get past it but for now I depend alot on my music, art, theatre, and my friends.
 
The shoving and the verbal harrassment increased and through out the rest of the year I ignored it as much as i could.  On the last day of school I was with my girlfriend and we were going to get all my crap out of my locker for the summer, but when I opened the locker I saw the back wall of it said
 

Kai is a faggot
Fags should die

 In summer school I thought I would be alright if I just kept my mouth shut about everything, but evidently it didnt work because one of the days there I got boiling water thrown on me and was called "Fag." The water scalded across my shoulder, neck and chest, leaving a second degree burn. My friends rallied around me then, agreeing that for awhile it might be better if I was not alone. Between Ben Muller, Bill Higgins, and Manuel "Manny" Sanchez I was never left alone, they were always there helping me, with the exception of during my first period class, which none of them were in.
 
I left it to go take a note to the office one of the days in summer school and on the way back I had someone shove me hard from behind, making me hit the wall and fuck up my knee. They disappeared into the boys bathroom which was nearby by the time I'd gotten up.  After that I started getting passes from my first period teacher to go to the library and type, instead going to the field where Manny had PE. I transfered to MSA from Terra Linda to avoid what was going on but without the protection of my friends (who all happened to be very big, and very willing to fight) it only got worse.
 
On September 2nd my arm was cut open with something, we think a small knife, and I was called "Homo." I went to my algebra teacher, Mr. Jordan, since I was supposed to be heading to his class anyways, and he sent me escorted to the office to be checked out. The people there called the police, and Officer Millhouse, who was the one that responded to the call, filed a police report on 'Battery.' I have also had a piece of my art graffitied, the writing imbedded permanently in my paper, and into many pages after it because of the pressure they had used writing. Recently I have had my locker graffitited, the inside of it saying "FAG," "BITCH," and twice calling me "QUEER." I didnt go to the locker for a few days but when I finally went on October 29 I had a new message, this time on the outside saying "DIE."
 
October 31 ~ I was wearing demon wings for halloween and someone wrote one them "God Hates Fags" and drew a picture of a penis.




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